My husband and I were standing in line as we waited for the doors to a theater event to open. There was a woman of about my age in the line in front of us. As we stood there, a couple scooted around the edge of the line and nestled themselves into position about 20 feet ahead of us. It was obvious they weren’t joining anyone else. They just had chutzpah.
The woman in front of me turned and said, “How is that okay?”
I responded with a shrug of my shoulders and said, “I can’t really explain it. I’ve learned to shrug a lot.”
She smiled and said, “I know what you mean. I bite my tongue, but my tongue is getting mighty short!” I giggled.
The ability to not say the first thing that comes to your mind, react to the first emotion you feel, or strike out at the first insult is a critical skill in getting along in the world. It is called “impulse control.” It is when we take a moment to consider what action we choose to take.
Many children at Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch have much work to do in developing impulse control. For some, the incredible trauma they have experienced has put them into a perpetual “fight or flight” mode. They are hypervigilant, always looking to protect themselves from the harm they are certain is coming. Some have experienced injuries to their brains. Traumatic brain injuries, chemical impact while in utero, or other brain chemistry issues make it hard to stop, breathe, and consider your response.
Our brains are amazing, and with proper medical and therapeutic care, different parts of our brains can learn to do the work of damaged or undeveloped areas. It’s hard work, but through that work, impulse control is one of the skills we help our kids develop.
Kailynn was born with challenges caused by her mother’s use of multiple substances while pregnant. Overall, Kailynn is a sweet child… tall, with a mop of hair, and gorgeous brown eyes. When she came to us, she had repeatedly attempted suicide, punched some kids at school who teased her, and was too thin and profoundly depressed. I really enjoyed visiting with her, and she stopped by my office frequently to ask, “How are things going?” On one of those visits, she told me that when she went on a home pass the coming weekend, she would be going to a family reunion.
The next week, as I went through the lunch line, Kailynn left the table she was at and came to visit with me. She kindly asked me about my weekend, and in return, I asked her about the family reunion.
“It was good,” she said, “but there was this woman there who was loud and picking fights with everyone. She was telling people that ‘she’s part of the family, too, and they should treat her better.’ It was weird.” She went on, “I just stepped back and stood under a tree while she was going on and on. She seriously needs to learn impulse control.”
I smiled, bit my tongue, and didn’t whoop out loud. That would have scared her, I’m sure. Not only did Kailynn show impulse control, but she also recognized when it was missing! I told her I was so very proud of her… and also told her that I hope the other lady gets help.
“Yeah,” Kailynn said. “No kidding.”
When I got back to my office, I whooped really loud.
Please keep the children and staff of Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch in your prayers.
In His love,
Joy Ryan, President/CEO
Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch
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