The medical note reads, “Therapist was notified that Kole said thinking about school makes him want to self-harm. He has been expressing increased urges to self-harm with the stress of school starting. Staff was able to pull him aside and provide a check-in process after Kole made the comments. He denies any recent self-harm.”
Kole is one of the precious children at Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch. He’s 14, a great student, and a good friend to his peers. The first thing the staff said when they pulled him aside was, “I care about you.”
As defined by the Mental Health Foundation, “Self-harm describes any behavior where someone causes harm to themselves, usually as a way to help cope with difficult or distressing thoughts and feelings. It most frequently takes the form of cutting, burning, or non-lethal overdoses. However, it can also be any behavior that causes injury (no matter how minor) or high-risk behaviors. Basically, any behavior that causes harm or injury to someone as a way to deal with difficult emotions can be seen as self-harm.”
According to the Foundation, about 10% of teenagers have engaged in some form of self-harm. That means that in a regular public school classroom, three of the teenagers may have self-harmed in some way. Of course, because the children at Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch have endured so much, our percentage is much higher.
Kole was incredibly brave to tell staff that he had an urge to self-harm. He is learning there are other ways to deal with fear and pressure and stress. He is asking for help, before he hurts himself.
In the many years I have spent working in human services, we’ve learned a lot about self-harm. However, there are still a few things that are easy to misunderstand.
- Kids who self-harm are just seeking attention. I start here because it is probably the most widely-held piece of misinformation. Actually, it is usually very difficult for a child to discuss their self-harming or urges to self-harm. That’s why Kole’s comments show such progress. These kids live in shame about their lives and their “inability to cope.” It takes a great deal of courage for them to ask for help.
- Self-harm is a ‘girl thing.’ There is no research that supports this. Although girls and boys may self-harm differently or for different reasons, boys like Kole self-harm. Anecdotally, it appears that girls may be more likely to talk about it.
- People who self-harm must enjoy it or feel things differently. Nope. The pain created by self-harming is the same pain that would be felt if the same harm was inflicted on anyone else. Sometimes the person feels numb from all the depression and chaos and anxiety they carry, and self-harm is a way to feel something. Some teens report self-harming is a way of punishing themselves for being odd, bad, dumb or not good enough. In any case, self-harming truly hurts the person doing it.
- All kids who self-harm are suicidal. For some, self-harm is the way they survive. It is the, albeit maladaptive, coping behavior that helps them deal with difficult feelings and circumstances. Others who self-harm can also feel suicidal. That is why all self-harm must be taken seriously and approached with compassion.
Kole is learning other ways to work through his anxiety and pain. He really likes the punching bag in the gym. He is learning to talk about what he is feeling. He is learning that he is valued and loved and that people truly care about him. With support, he’ll do great.
Please keep Kole, all our kids, and our staff in your prayers.
In His love,
Joy Ryan, President/CEO
Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch
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