Each of us operates, at least with our first thoughts, within our own frame of reference. We interpret what we see and hear based on our experience, learning, values, and rationale. As we mature and learn more about the world and other perspectives, we create the ability to think beyond that initial reference point.
My daughter, her husband, and their two children were driving to the park. From the back seat, their three-year-old asked, “Mommy, is that an obstacle course?” My daughter looked out the window. It was a cemetery.
Although it could be argued that he wasn’t all that far off, since most of us try to dodge and weave around that eventuality, my grandson simply doesn’t have a reference point for a cemetery. His world hasn’t included one before.
Frame of reference is such an important element in working with the precious children at Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch. They have created survival skills and responses based on their lived experiences. For many of the children here, their frame of reference is:
- If someone is nice to me, they want something.
- If someone is mean to me, it is because I deserve it.
- I am safest if no one is near me.
- If I trust someone, they will use it against me.
- Everyone lies.
- Only I care about myself.
- To be safe, I must be someone no one likes.
- To be safe, I must be very quiet and try to disappear.
- To be safe, I must strike out first.
- And so many others…
All those “truths” a child holds make it very hard, yet so very important, to find an opening to a relationship.
When I first came to the Ranch, I had worked in the field for over 20 years, but I was new to the level of trauma the children here have endured. I remember sitting with a child at a lunch table on our Minot Campus. He was sullen and looking at his plate while he ate. I was overly perky and talkative. I asked him about his day, whether the lunch was to his liking, his favorite class in school, and whether he had siblings. Nothing. No response whatsoever. I decided to just be quiet and eat.
After several long minutes of uncomfortable silence, he looked up and barked at me, “Why are you sitting here and trying to talk to me? What do you really want?”
This child knew from his hard-earned life experiences that I wanted something. I knew he would never believe me if I just said “Nothing.” “I want to get to know you,” would raise all sorts of alarm bells for him. So instead, I looked at my plate and said, “This isn’t my favorite lunch, and I thought talking would take my mind off eating it. I’m sorry for bugging you.” My blathering on was about me, not him.
He was very quiet again for a minute or so. Then, he looked at me, nodded, and said, “Three.”
“Three?” I responded.
“Yeah, three brothers.” And we finished our lunch.
Please keep the children and staff of Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch in your prayers.
In His love,
Joy Ryan, President/CEO
Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch
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